What kind of pleasure do gay men get from being bottom? The idea is very appealing to me but in practice it's quite painful.

I am a total 100 percent bottom! I will NEVER top cuz its not for me!! See I dont like anything that has to do with pleasure in penetrating!! I dont like to Top (ive tried it a handful of times and it is something I just have no and I mean absolute no interest in) I also dont have any interest in receiving head! Look I love to give it and I can cum while givino ever the guy is either about to shoot his load down my throat or give me a facial and it can depend on the situations along with is it a one time hook up am I seeing the guy or what! 1 time hook ups are freaking hot, but what I love now is being in a respected relationship! and now I am not just in a relationship I habe a great guy and we are married! hes my best friend and my everything. and I have always came anally! before I even knew about sex I would fanisize about the one to being penetrated! I have almost always been bottom but a few times and 1 I have always been turned on by submissive, i have always wanted to. And yes it does make me feel a little femmine. also sucking dick makes me feel like I am here for his will. see when I masturbate i hardly ever stroke it as they say, I use either a butt plug or a vibrator like a female would use. and I shoot loads, well let me reframe that, I use to shoot huge loads!! I a few years ago came out as a trans woman!! which made total sense cuz all my life I always felt like I should be a girl and by the time I was having sex I had such gender dysphoria and I hated my penis so much that I wouldnt allow myself to get any pleasure out of it. I came out as gay at 12 i think way before I ever had any sex and then the first time I had sex I was raped by 2 older boys in my school. I went till I was i think 22 before I ever topped and it was a couple times, then I would go back to being my bottom i was so good at. I think I was 29 when I got into a relationship with a cis female and it went on for 2 and a half years but i think I had topped her less then 8 times and she knew I had only been with men at this time and that I was a bottom mostly so she got into pegging me, which I think it was cool of her but its not the real thing. I like no I love to feel that hard cock as deep inside me and I love to feel it grow in my mouth! and most of all I love to have the guy cum in my ass and I love to be going to the bathroom and feel his cum that I made him cum come out of my ass and run down my leg! i dont think that there is a better feeling! but anyways I got an Orchiotomy which is I got my balls removed! A lot of transwomen get this done to kinda prep them for the bottom surgery and to take the levels of testaserone. I still get errections and I can still cum but I dont get as many and I dont think most people understand just how much I got sick when I had to do anything associated with me having male genitals! I am going to have the bottom surgey the vaginopolmy. I know I am a horrible speller I am Dyslexic and all so bare with me.